All Good stuff!

Friday was good. I have been decompressing over the last few days from the extreme state of anxiety I was in, but all is good.

The job interview on Thursday was fine. I'll find out in a few weeks what the decision is. It's kinda nice to not care one way or the other. The extra money would be nice, but it isn't necessary and it certainly isn't the most exciting job in the world. It is a job testing software for the State's Office of Child Development and Early Learning. I'd be finding bugs, creating change requests and testing the requests to see if they work. It isn't terribly exciting, but wouldn't be too awful either and the pay is great!

Friday's ultrasound was perfect. Our little pilgrim is growing right on schedule. The tech wasn't the nicest-she made me wait until she was all done taking her measurements before she let me know if my baby was alive or not. I"m sure baby's heart rate was as high as it was (175) because mine was through the roof, but all is good.

Next ultrasound is our NT scan on May 4. I can't wait! Before that we get to hear the heart beat at my OB appointment on the 26th. I hope I have no reason to go in before then. Thanks for all the well wishes.

Lots of fun stuff coming up...

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I guess this is a good thing. I am not crazy about the idea of working at another mundane, boring, mind numbing, pointless job, but the money is very, very good for the work I will have to do, so if the interview goes well, I guess I will take it. It will hopefully be pretty temporary anyway.

Friday we get another ultrasound to follow up on our scare two weeks ago. I am scared to death that it will not go well. Our loss last time was confirmed at 8wks, 6days. I will be nine weeks on Friday. I've lost a few symptoms over the last day or two and that makes me very scared. I have not had any more bleeding. I have had the occasional cramp, but nothing abnormal, but I still can't shake the fear.

I can't plan beyond Friday. I feel like the rest of my life is hanging on what happens at 3 o'clock Friday afternoon. Will that ultrasound show a growing baby with a nice fast heartbeat, or nothing? I am being as positive as I can allow myself to be.

Had a scare today!

I woke up and was spotting. I had some lower back pain and I was sure it was all over again. I called the doctor as soon as they opened and they got me right in. The exam showed all was well-cervix closed and no further sign of bleeding. That afternoon I got an u/s as well and the baby is measuring right on schedule and the heart was beating away at 128 bpm. I am so relieved. They never did find a reason for the bleeding. I just hope it goes away and never comes back. I am so scared because of what happened last time.

Here is a picture of our little pilgrim!

Ultrasound is scheduled

March 30 we will get to see our LO. I am praying that all will be healthy at this point. I'll be 7 weeks, 4 days (give or take a day or two). It was at 8 weeks that we got our bad news last time, so this is a very scary, but also very exciting ultrasound for us. Keep us in your prayers! Thanks!

Busy weekend

I'm so tired today. I will say one benefit of being unemployed is that I can nap pretty much whenever I need to and right now I need to a lot. 15 minutes is really all it takes to give me a second (or third or fourth) wind.

This weekend I went to my niece Samantha's sixth birthday party. It was a lot of fun, but very loud and I of course ate too much food-mostly too many potato chips. That on top of my pregnancy nausea made for a very bloated and sick feeling Jennifer. However, I'd promised to let the girls stay overnight and so I took them home with me. They must have gotten all of their screaming done at the party because they were pretty sedated at my house. We watched UP and ate a late dinner and everyone was packed off to bed.

Sunday we skipped church and slept in. Jason made everyone pancakes and back or sausage and everyone ate plenty! Then we went bowling. Sammi loves, loves, loves bowling. She wants to win but is still everyone's cheerleader and is just so enthusiastic. It was so much fun! We are all terrible bowlers, but who cares, right?

Once we'd returned the girls to their mother we spent a few minutes visiting my grandmother. We so badly want to convince her to stay in the independent living community that she moved into on a trial basis. She's being quite stubborn about going back home. The problem is that she is 94, lives 2 hours away and refuses to hire anyone to help her out with cleaning or cooking because they might steal something. So the burden is on my mother and she's tired of driving 4 hours every week to clean. Also, Grandma has gained some weight and just is all around healthier living somewhere with regular meals and family to check in on her regularly. But, she's a stubborn woman. Keep her in your prayers if you can.

And then home again we went and we skipped dinner and watched The Informant and went to bed. I think I may go back to bed for a nap shortly.

Insomnia

I've been awake since 2 AM.

My cat Adrian is sick. He has either a UTI or a blockage or both. He is going to the vet today. I kept him in the bedroom with me last night to keep an ear out. He slept until 2 and then spent an hour in the litter box. Then he threw up. Then he got back in the litter box. After that he just squats and pees wherever-just tiny droplets. He's in the bathroom until the vet opens. I should have taken him in yesterday but I was really hoping it was an isolated incident and that he'd feel better. He doesn't. He is worse. I'm a bad cat mom. At least he is eating his food and drinking and he is peeing even if it isn't normal.

My punishment is being awake since 2 AM and I have a busy day today so it isn't likely I'll have much chance to nap. ::yawn::

Keep Adrian in your kitty prayers!

Exhaustion is not in moderation

So, I guess this pregnancy thing takes a lot out of a girl. I took a 30 minute nap yesterday afternoon and then I still fell asleep on the couch at 7:30. Of course I didn't sleep well because Jason came home and woke me up, then Chloe (our maine coon) was playing with my feet, then Guinness decided he needed to chew his leg, then Jason forgot to turn off the TV. I probably woke up every two hours for some reason or another.

I won't be going to bed early tonight because tonight is my volunteer night at Petsmart. I get to play with the kitties. I guess I have to tell my partner there about my pregnancy since I really shouldn't be cleaning litter boxes. It is so early and it makes me nervous to tell.

However, during my last pregnancy I gave up everything I enjoyed, most of which I didn't really have to give up. I just did it to be on the safe side. This time I'm going to eat sushi on occasion, drink a small glass of wine on special ocassions, eat lunch meat if I want it (which I rarely do), and I'm going to keep volunteering. You can disagree if you want to, but Jason and I have discussed it and we feel comfortable approaching this pregnancy with a true all things in moderation attitude. Except for sleep. That I'm going to try to grab a bunch of.

Worrying

I am back in the first trimester and now I am worrying over cramping and betas and whether I can make it to next week. I am so tired and sick all of the time and I worry on top of that. I yell at Jason all the time and I worry about that. I need a vacation.

Sick!

I have had a cold or the flu for a week. I am not sure which because I have a lot of congestion, sneezing, coughing, like a cold and very little aching-just a minor headache. But, I have a fever which is not a typical cold symptom. So, who knows. Now today I am nauseated on top of it.

I think I will stay in bed. When I feel better I will upload my pictures from Bermuda. I don't tend to take a lot of pictures, so I promise it won't be boring. Just a few highlights of those BEAUTIFUL islands. I want to move there. I suppose I should check it out in the summer to make sure it isn't painfully hot before I decide that. But it really is the most beautiful place I have ever been.

Snow, snow, snow!!!

What a crazy mess we have out there. Jason and I spent some time shoveling this morning, but there is still a lot to do. Guinness won't go more than two feet from the door to pee. He likes a couple of inches of snow, but thinks a couple of feet is excessive. Here is why:



































When I shoveled this morning I made the mistake of walking through a snow drift that was up to my hips. I almost got stuck and my legs did go numb with cold. Now, Jason has shoveled a path to the end of the driveway so at least we can walk into the street without getting too wet. I also have several layers on top and bottom, so I am heading back out again!



Even though Guinness has a coat and a sweater to keep him warm , I think I'll let him stay snuggled in bed.

Keep warm!!!

Ah, the guilt

Jason and I are trying for another baby this month. This has stirred up feelings about Ellen. I am thinking I should be five months pregnant with her now. I tried to talk to Jason about it, but it makes him feel bad. I went back and read all my message board posts from right after the miscarriage and I cried. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I read The Deep End of the Ocean. I ate too much junk food. I had a brief relapse into my grief.

Today isn't a whole lot better except that I am not in bed and I haven't eaten any junk food. I need to exercise and clean the house and go to Petsmart to clean litter boxes. I just don't want to do anything right now.

I guess I am just sad again. I feel guilty for moving forward and feeling happy and excited about the possibility of another baby. I don't want to leave our first child behind. I know everyone else has forgotten her. Only Jason and I think of her and I am afraid we won't either if we have another.

So I am guilty.

This is shaping up to be a promising week

Positive One: I love my new doctor. She is very down to earth. I know she will not give me any bs in the future and will tell it like it is if God forbid anything bad were to happen with a future pregnancy. Also, she listened to me, answered my questions and seems to have the mentality that the patient takes the lead.

Positive Two: I have a meeting with my old boss tomorrow morning to discuss picking up some contract work. It won't be much money but it will give me something to do!!!

Positive Three: It snowed and it is pretty.

Positive Four: My dog is keeping me warm.

Yay for a great week!

Preconception appointment today

So, I should be finishing up our last cycle of waiting to try again sometime this week. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with a new obstetrician. I have lots of questions to ask and I am very nervous. In about two weeks we are going to start this roller coaster all over again. I'll be praying for a sticky baby this time around.

Foster Care and Adoption

So, yesterday we had a home safety check done on our new home so we are again approved for foster/adopt. We are holding off on matching for now as we focus more on our biological family. We are very open to respite placements, however, which our agency is very excited about. Apparently, not many people are open to respite. I like gaining the experience and I like the kids. Wish us luck!

Ellen's Letter

A copy of this letter was buried with Ellen and the other babies following a memorial service on Tuesday.

My Darling Ellen,
I have been putting off writing this letter to you for fear of what it would bring out in me, but if Dad can put it in words, then I sure better do it.
I miss you. To be honest I wasn’t ever really sure I wanted a baby. Daddy and I were looking into adopting a child instead, but when Daddy said he wanted a baby I decided to give it a go. And when we got pregnant on the first shot I was a little scared and a lot excited. Finally, I get to have MY baby! I remember your Daddy didn’t really believe I was pregnant so I had to take a digital pregnancy test that said “pregnant” for him to believe me! I actually took a bunch of tests because I liked seeing them all be positive so I knew you were really in there.
I remember we tried to keep you a secret. Your Aunt Laura was having her baby shower after I found out and I didn’t want to tell anyone until after that. We told everyone the following week. I bought your Umma and Grammy little onsies that said “Coming Soon” on them and gave them to them in your room.They were both so excited! We really had a wonderful few weeks with you, darling.
I was so looking forward to meeting you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to see your Daddy hold you. I wanted to know what you’d look like. I wanted to show you off to everyone and have them ooh and ahh over how gorgeous you were. We wanted you so much.
All of that was taken away though way too soon. One day I saw your little heart beating and the next week you were gone. I cannot even tell you how sad I was and still am that you are not here. I have a pretty necklace that I wear to remember you and I touch it when I think of you. You will always be my first baby and I will always love you.
Daddy and I are going to try soon for a little sibling for you. I hope we get to hold our baby soon here on earth. Just know that child will never replace you and the joy we got to experience with our first. I love you, Ellen.

Love,Mommy