Well, Happy New Year!

What a wild ride 2009 has been.

It started off okay, but in the last three months I got pregnant, lost a baby, lost a job, lost a probable adoption match and gained a bunch of weight.

So, here is to a brighter 2010.

My tiny niece Leah Christine was born last night at 6:30 and I spent the afternoon with her and my sister. While I was happy to hold her I also hurt so much that I will not be holding my child when I should have been. She's in heaven and I am here without her. I will never know why I was dealt such an unfair hand, but such is life...or in my dear husband's famous words, "It is what it is." I will have to come to terms with it and start fresh first thing in the morning.

Tonight, however, I will waffle between sad and happy and enjoy a nice bottle of champagne with Jason as we say, "FUCK YOU 2009!" and leave it far behind.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (I hope)

I wanted this child

Please do not tell me that I am young. That we have time. That there will be others. It is really irrelevant. No child I have in the future will ever replace this child who has died. We will always love all of our children, living or dead, but each are unique individuals and cannot replace each other.

Eating

Eating is hard these days. I either have no appetite or an appetite only for those things that are the worst for me. It's horrendous and I am incredibly ashamed of myself. I've gained ten pounds since my miscarriage and actually had to buy new jeans since none of mine will fit anymore. I am fatter than I was when I was pregnant.

I have gotten back into a workout routine and am working my way back up to what I was doing before the bleeding started. Jason and I are leaving for our cruise next week, so I don't suppose any diet needs to really start before then, so I will enjoy the chicken steak hoagie I just ordered.

Feeling better today

I have decided not to work anymore even though my last day isn't until Tuesday. I don't figure it matters much anymore. Yesterday I spent the entire day in bed which was very therapeutic. I figure as long as that is not a daily occurrence I am probably still okay. I did get up and shower at 3:30 so that I could get my oil changed and then go see my niece sing in her Christmas concert. They sang the funniest song about Fruitcake

	John Riggio - Everlasting Fruitcake SRK .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Then we had dinner and watched Charlie Brown's Christmas.

Today I had to take Guinness to the vet for his Bordatella booster and his flu shot. It made him cry which always makes me upset as well. I think that is enough stress for one day, so I am chilling out watching Friends on DVD. Not much point in doing much else right now.

I want to cry, dammit!

Why is it that when I feel so incredibly sad, I can't cry?

I need this release, but I can't cry. I think part of the problem is the few times I have cried, my dear husband freaked out and said I needed medication. Now I am afraid to just let it out....and I desperately need to just let it out. There are two things we need to discuss at our next therapy appointment-why can't he just let me cry and how can we get past the fact that he went to Bermuda and missed his only chance to see our child's heartbeat? We both struggle with that one. I am so angry that he freaked out the last time I cried that I want to make him feel just as bad by bringing that whole thing up again, which I know is totally wrong. But, I just want everyone to feel as bad as I do!

On top of all of this I met my next door neighbor for the first time today and she had talked to Jason previously and he told her we were expecting. He didn't tell her we had a miscarriage and he didn't tell me that he told her. I had a rough day already and then I was caught off guard by a total stranger and who the hell can cry in front of a total stranger? Then I told him about it and he didn't even apologize and told me to have a nice day. WTF?

I think I am going to go break something. Maybe that will get it out.

I got my memorial necklace

It came with a poem:

Forget me not

My little one
You have left us too soon
Though my body
can no longer hold you
I hold you forever in my heart
As precious and beautiful
as this flower caught in time
A mother's love
does not forget.

The necklace came from LaBelleDame.com and is similar to this one, except my loss was in November, so I have a topaz under the forget me not.

I read the little pamphlet that came with it and cried a little. Probably not as much as I should. I find myself able to cry freely over silly things like the Verizon people, but not when faced directly with the loss of my baby. I just need to cry and I can't.

I just am not sure how to deal with this. I have never had to deal with anything like this before and I simply don't know how.

Straw that broke my back...

There is just too much going on for me to handle right now and I had a break down today. I am sick of people telling me that God will provide, that I should keep the faith, that things happen for a reason. I am sick of all the optimism. I am in pain and I need to be allowed to feel that pain. I am sick of people wanting me to put on a happy face!

Stupid Verizon didn't add our calling features on to the phone at our new home. Who the hell knows why it is so friggin' hard to transfer phone service. It should be a seamless transition from one home to another, but NO, they have to change plans and make things difficult and make it horrible.

Jason and I spent TWO HOURS on the phone with them today before finally deciding to tell them to take a hike. Then they said they couldn't do that, we'd have to talk to another department. OH MY GOD! In and of itself this would be annoying. Combined with all the other stuff that happened I just started sobbing and sobbing and sobbing. I couldn't stop.

Jason then pissed me off by saying he thought he needed to call for help. I have held up beautifully over the last three and a half weeks. I lost my baby, I lost my job, I moved to a new house and made all the preparations for it while dealing with grief and a husband who was out of town and I think I'm entitled to ten minutes of crying. So then I stopped crying and started yelling. Some days I honestly don't know what to do. Right now I just hate everything.

I want to be allowed to feel how I feel.

We will now be using Comcast Internet, phone and Digital Cable. Please welcome us to the 21st century! Pray that we have no issues because with my anger I may be ready for an in person visit to deal with it.

They say things happen in threes...

So, on Tuesday I found out I was being laid off from my job. I am trying to decide if this is a good or bad thing. Financially we are fine. We'll have to cut back on some fun stuff, but the core bills and living expenses are not a problem.

However, I love my job. I was starting to get impatient with the direction in which the company was heading, but I love my job. I train school nurses how to use school nursing software and they are some of the most awesome people to work with. The nurses I worked with on Wednesday after I found out all expressed outrage at my layoff and gave me hugs. It made me feel good to know that I really was making their lives and their jobs so much easier. I have a flexible schedule and it is the first job that I ever felt really good about. And now it is over. And it makes me sad.

I am also not sure what the heck I want to do next!

Then again, I was getting mad about the way the company was heading. Customer service was becoming less and less of a priority and charging money was becoming more of a priority. The new COO was purposely creating tension between the office and the field staff and it was becoming miserable to work with the office staff.

And I will get unemployment compensation, so I have some time to enjoy the holidays and then start looking for another dream job. But, what the heck is that job? I have no idea as I thought I had found it. If you are reading, keep me in your prayers.

Oh, and I hope that my title is wrong and that this is it for the bad news for a while. I don't think I can take anymore.

First Blog Post...

So, I've jumped on the blog bandwagon. This is more of a therapy outlet for me than anything, so if anyone does ever actually read it, just keep that in mind. I write this for me and I don't mind if you read it, but it isn't for you.

I'll start with my most recent story-my miscarriage.

Jason and I have been married for three and a half years. For a long time we were not sure we would have any children. I suffer from major depression and really didn't want to mess around with my hormones. He's very career driven and didn't feel he had time for family. We were happy as is. We travel a lot, eat out a lot, drink and critique fine wine and were just enjoying life.

Then we started talking about children. He and I were both still worried about my mental health. I'd been feeling really great for three years and didn't want to upset that balance. He also started traveling away from home more than ever. So, we settled on the idea of becoming foster/adopt parents with the intention of adopting an older child. We started the process in November of 2008 and were approved as foster/adopt parents in July of 2009. Amazingly enough despite the huge number of waiting children you hear about, we were told the process would take 1 to 24 months. We have had a few nibbles and one serious potential placement, but everything has ultimately fallen through.

One day Jason and I were talking and I asked him if he was still on board with the adoption plan and he said he was. I asked if he felt that he was missing out on anything by not having biological children and he said that he did feel like he was missing out. He wanted to see what our child would look like. He wanted to create a life with me. I think I fell in love with him all over again when he said that...and we started trying that night. Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test!

We were both so excited-after the initial shock of it happening so very fast wore off! We told everyone when I was 7 weeks pregnant-right after my first doctor appointment. We had our parents over to our new home. I purchased little onesies that said "Coming Soon" on them and had them gift wrapped and placed them on a shelf in what would be the baby's room. My mom cried. My mother in law screamed. It was wonderful! We were so happy...all of us.

A week later I had some spotting. It was very light and just brown so everyone said not to worry. Jason had a business trip scheduled for Bermuda the next day. In the morning I called the doctor's office and they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound that day to check things out. Jason was in Philadelphia when I called to tell him the doctor sounded worried. He went to Bermuda. I still have strong feelings about that-and so does he. He says he wanted to believe everything was fine and that canceling his trip would have shown he was worried. I can understand that...but he missed a precious moment-the last few moments of our child's life. He knows that and says he will never forgive himself. I ended up calling my mother because I didn't think I could face any bad news on my own...

...and it wasn't good news. I was 8 weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring 6 weeks. The heart rate was only 91 bpm and the yolk sack was enlarged. None of those are good. The doctor tried to tell me that my dates were off but considering I got my positive test at 3 weeks, 3 days, it was highly unlikely that I could be two weeks off. I am so happy I got to see the baby on the ultrasound screen with her little heart beating away. It was a hard week. Jason was in Bermuda and just didn't seem to understand how devastated I was. I had already started mourning the loss of our baby even while I was still hoping that the ultrasound tech was wrong. It was so hard to be alone during that time.

A week later the spotting had not stopped and had increased slightly. It was still brown. I called the doctor's office again and they brought me in that day for another ultrasound. This time Jason was able to come along with me. He was in Syracuse, NY when I called and on his way to Philadelphia, but thankfully he cancelled his meetings and came to be with me. The news was worse. The baby had not grown the whole week and the heart had stopped beating. I was not surprised, but so terribly sad. Jason was sobbing.

We met with the doctor a few minutes later and he went over our options which were basically to wait for a miscarriage or have a D&E. I opted for a D&E because I just couldn't stand the idea of not knowing when the pregnancy would end. We scheduled the D&E for the next day.

On November 11, 2009 our baby Ellen was taken from us. We will forever love and miss her and she will be forever a part of our family. Please understand that she is our child no matter how short her little life was.