Jason and I are trying for another baby this month. This has stirred up feelings about Ellen. I am thinking I should be five months pregnant with her now. I tried to talk to Jason about it, but it makes him feel bad. I went back and read all my message board posts from right after the miscarriage and I cried. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I read The Deep End of the Ocean. I ate too much junk food. I had a brief relapse into my grief.
Today isn't a whole lot better except that I am not in bed and I haven't eaten any junk food. I need to exercise and clean the house and go to Petsmart to clean litter boxes. I just don't want to do anything right now.
I guess I am just sad again. I feel guilty for moving forward and feeling happy and excited about the possibility of another baby. I don't want to leave our first child behind. I know everyone else has forgotten her. Only Jason and I think of her and I am afraid we won't either if we have another.
So I am guilty.
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