So, I've jumped on the blog bandwagon. This is more of a therapy outlet for me than anything, so if anyone does ever actually read it, just keep that in mind. I write this for me and I don't mind if you read it, but it isn't for you.
I'll start with my most recent story-my miscarriage.
Jason and I have been married for three and a half years. For a long time we were not sure we would have any children. I suffer from major depression and really didn't want to mess around with my hormones. He's very career driven and didn't feel he had time for family. We were happy as is. We travel a lot, eat out a lot, drink and critique fine wine and were just enjoying life.
Then we started talking about children. He and I were both still worried about my mental health. I'd been feeling really great for three years and didn't want to upset that balance. He also started traveling away from home more than ever. So, we settled on the idea of becoming foster/adopt parents with the intention of adopting an older child. We started the process in November of 2008 and were approved as foster/adopt parents in July of 2009. Amazingly enough despite the huge number of waiting children you hear about, we were told the process would take 1 to 24 months. We have had a few nibbles and one serious potential placement, but everything has ultimately fallen through.
One day Jason and I were talking and I asked him if he was still on board with the adoption plan and he said he was. I asked if he felt that he was missing out on anything by not having biological children and he said that he did feel like he was missing out. He wanted to see what our child would look like. He wanted to create a life with me. I think I fell in love with him all over again when he said that...and we started trying that night. Two weeks later I had a positive pregnancy test!
We were both so excited-after the initial shock of it happening so very fast wore off! We told everyone when I was 7 weeks pregnant-right after my first doctor appointment. We had our parents over to our new home. I purchased little onesies that said "Coming Soon" on them and had them gift wrapped and placed them on a shelf in what would be the baby's room. My mom cried. My mother in law screamed. It was wonderful! We were so happy...all of us.
A week later I had some spotting. It was very light and just brown so everyone said not to worry. Jason had a business trip scheduled for Bermuda the next day. In the morning I called the doctor's office and they wanted me to come in for an ultrasound that day to check things out. Jason was in Philadelphia when I called to tell him the doctor sounded worried. He went to Bermuda. I still have strong feelings about that-and so does he. He says he wanted to believe everything was fine and that canceling his trip would have shown he was worried. I can understand that...but he missed a precious moment-the last few moments of our child's life. He knows that and says he will never forgive himself. I ended up calling my mother because I didn't think I could face any bad news on my own...
...and it wasn't good news. I was 8 weeks pregnant, but the baby was measuring 6 weeks. The heart rate was only 91 bpm and the yolk sack was enlarged. None of those are good. The doctor tried to tell me that my dates were off but considering I got my positive test at 3 weeks, 3 days, it was highly unlikely that I could be two weeks off. I am so happy I got to see the baby on the ultrasound screen with her little heart beating away. It was a hard week. Jason was in Bermuda and just didn't seem to understand how devastated I was. I had already started mourning the loss of our baby even while I was still hoping that the ultrasound tech was wrong. It was so hard to be alone during that time.
A week later the spotting had not stopped and had increased slightly. It was still brown. I called the doctor's office again and they brought me in that day for another ultrasound. This time Jason was able to come along with me. He was in Syracuse, NY when I called and on his way to Philadelphia, but thankfully he cancelled his meetings and came to be with me. The news was worse. The baby had not grown the whole week and the heart had stopped beating. I was not surprised, but so terribly sad. Jason was sobbing.
We met with the doctor a few minutes later and he went over our options which were basically to wait for a miscarriage or have a D&E. I opted for a D&E because I just couldn't stand the idea of not knowing when the pregnancy would end. We scheduled the D&E for the next day.
On November 11, 2009 our baby Ellen was taken from us. We will forever love and miss her and she will be forever a part of our family. Please understand that she is our child no matter how short her little life was.