Sick!

I have had a cold or the flu for a week. I am not sure which because I have a lot of congestion, sneezing, coughing, like a cold and very little aching-just a minor headache. But, I have a fever which is not a typical cold symptom. So, who knows. Now today I am nauseated on top of it.

I think I will stay in bed. When I feel better I will upload my pictures from Bermuda. I don't tend to take a lot of pictures, so I promise it won't be boring. Just a few highlights of those BEAUTIFUL islands. I want to move there. I suppose I should check it out in the summer to make sure it isn't painfully hot before I decide that. But it really is the most beautiful place I have ever been.

Snow, snow, snow!!!

What a crazy mess we have out there. Jason and I spent some time shoveling this morning, but there is still a lot to do. Guinness won't go more than two feet from the door to pee. He likes a couple of inches of snow, but thinks a couple of feet is excessive. Here is why:



































When I shoveled this morning I made the mistake of walking through a snow drift that was up to my hips. I almost got stuck and my legs did go numb with cold. Now, Jason has shoveled a path to the end of the driveway so at least we can walk into the street without getting too wet. I also have several layers on top and bottom, so I am heading back out again!



Even though Guinness has a coat and a sweater to keep him warm , I think I'll let him stay snuggled in bed.

Keep warm!!!

Ah, the guilt

Jason and I are trying for another baby this month. This has stirred up feelings about Ellen. I am thinking I should be five months pregnant with her now. I tried to talk to Jason about it, but it makes him feel bad. I went back and read all my message board posts from right after the miscarriage and I cried. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I read The Deep End of the Ocean. I ate too much junk food. I had a brief relapse into my grief.

Today isn't a whole lot better except that I am not in bed and I haven't eaten any junk food. I need to exercise and clean the house and go to Petsmart to clean litter boxes. I just don't want to do anything right now.

I guess I am just sad again. I feel guilty for moving forward and feeling happy and excited about the possibility of another baby. I don't want to leave our first child behind. I know everyone else has forgotten her. Only Jason and I think of her and I am afraid we won't either if we have another.

So I am guilty.

This is shaping up to be a promising week

Positive One: I love my new doctor. She is very down to earth. I know she will not give me any bs in the future and will tell it like it is if God forbid anything bad were to happen with a future pregnancy. Also, she listened to me, answered my questions and seems to have the mentality that the patient takes the lead.

Positive Two: I have a meeting with my old boss tomorrow morning to discuss picking up some contract work. It won't be much money but it will give me something to do!!!

Positive Three: It snowed and it is pretty.

Positive Four: My dog is keeping me warm.

Yay for a great week!

Preconception appointment today

So, I should be finishing up our last cycle of waiting to try again sometime this week. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with a new obstetrician. I have lots of questions to ask and I am very nervous. In about two weeks we are going to start this roller coaster all over again. I'll be praying for a sticky baby this time around.

Foster Care and Adoption

So, yesterday we had a home safety check done on our new home so we are again approved for foster/adopt. We are holding off on matching for now as we focus more on our biological family. We are very open to respite placements, however, which our agency is very excited about. Apparently, not many people are open to respite. I like gaining the experience and I like the kids. Wish us luck!

Ellen's Letter

A copy of this letter was buried with Ellen and the other babies following a memorial service on Tuesday.

My Darling Ellen,
I have been putting off writing this letter to you for fear of what it would bring out in me, but if Dad can put it in words, then I sure better do it.
I miss you. To be honest I wasn’t ever really sure I wanted a baby. Daddy and I were looking into adopting a child instead, but when Daddy said he wanted a baby I decided to give it a go. And when we got pregnant on the first shot I was a little scared and a lot excited. Finally, I get to have MY baby! I remember your Daddy didn’t really believe I was pregnant so I had to take a digital pregnancy test that said “pregnant” for him to believe me! I actually took a bunch of tests because I liked seeing them all be positive so I knew you were really in there.
I remember we tried to keep you a secret. Your Aunt Laura was having her baby shower after I found out and I didn’t want to tell anyone until after that. We told everyone the following week. I bought your Umma and Grammy little onsies that said “Coming Soon” on them and gave them to them in your room.They were both so excited! We really had a wonderful few weeks with you, darling.
I was so looking forward to meeting you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to see your Daddy hold you. I wanted to know what you’d look like. I wanted to show you off to everyone and have them ooh and ahh over how gorgeous you were. We wanted you so much.
All of that was taken away though way too soon. One day I saw your little heart beating and the next week you were gone. I cannot even tell you how sad I was and still am that you are not here. I have a pretty necklace that I wear to remember you and I touch it when I think of you. You will always be my first baby and I will always love you.
Daddy and I are going to try soon for a little sibling for you. I hope we get to hold our baby soon here on earth. Just know that child will never replace you and the joy we got to experience with our first. I love you, Ellen.

Love,Mommy