Foster Care and Adoption

So, yesterday we had a home safety check done on our new home so we are again approved for foster/adopt. We are holding off on matching for now as we focus more on our biological family. We are very open to respite placements, however, which our agency is very excited about. Apparently, not many people are open to respite. I like gaining the experience and I like the kids. Wish us luck!

Ellen's Letter

A copy of this letter was buried with Ellen and the other babies following a memorial service on Tuesday.

My Darling Ellen,
I have been putting off writing this letter to you for fear of what it would bring out in me, but if Dad can put it in words, then I sure better do it.
I miss you. To be honest I wasn’t ever really sure I wanted a baby. Daddy and I were looking into adopting a child instead, but when Daddy said he wanted a baby I decided to give it a go. And when we got pregnant on the first shot I was a little scared and a lot excited. Finally, I get to have MY baby! I remember your Daddy didn’t really believe I was pregnant so I had to take a digital pregnancy test that said “pregnant” for him to believe me! I actually took a bunch of tests because I liked seeing them all be positive so I knew you were really in there.
I remember we tried to keep you a secret. Your Aunt Laura was having her baby shower after I found out and I didn’t want to tell anyone until after that. We told everyone the following week. I bought your Umma and Grammy little onsies that said “Coming Soon” on them and gave them to them in your room.They were both so excited! We really had a wonderful few weeks with you, darling.
I was so looking forward to meeting you. I wanted to hold you. I wanted to see your Daddy hold you. I wanted to know what you’d look like. I wanted to show you off to everyone and have them ooh and ahh over how gorgeous you were. We wanted you so much.
All of that was taken away though way too soon. One day I saw your little heart beating and the next week you were gone. I cannot even tell you how sad I was and still am that you are not here. I have a pretty necklace that I wear to remember you and I touch it when I think of you. You will always be my first baby and I will always love you.
Daddy and I are going to try soon for a little sibling for you. I hope we get to hold our baby soon here on earth. Just know that child will never replace you and the joy we got to experience with our first. I love you, Ellen.

Love,Mommy

Well, Happy New Year!

What a wild ride 2009 has been.

It started off okay, but in the last three months I got pregnant, lost a baby, lost a job, lost a probable adoption match and gained a bunch of weight.

So, here is to a brighter 2010.

My tiny niece Leah Christine was born last night at 6:30 and I spent the afternoon with her and my sister. While I was happy to hold her I also hurt so much that I will not be holding my child when I should have been. She's in heaven and I am here without her. I will never know why I was dealt such an unfair hand, but such is life...or in my dear husband's famous words, "It is what it is." I will have to come to terms with it and start fresh first thing in the morning.

Tonight, however, I will waffle between sad and happy and enjoy a nice bottle of champagne with Jason as we say, "FUCK YOU 2009!" and leave it far behind.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! (I hope)

I wanted this child

Please do not tell me that I am young. That we have time. That there will be others. It is really irrelevant. No child I have in the future will ever replace this child who has died. We will always love all of our children, living or dead, but each are unique individuals and cannot replace each other.

Eating

Eating is hard these days. I either have no appetite or an appetite only for those things that are the worst for me. It's horrendous and I am incredibly ashamed of myself. I've gained ten pounds since my miscarriage and actually had to buy new jeans since none of mine will fit anymore. I am fatter than I was when I was pregnant.

I have gotten back into a workout routine and am working my way back up to what I was doing before the bleeding started. Jason and I are leaving for our cruise next week, so I don't suppose any diet needs to really start before then, so I will enjoy the chicken steak hoagie I just ordered.

Feeling better today

I have decided not to work anymore even though my last day isn't until Tuesday. I don't figure it matters much anymore. Yesterday I spent the entire day in bed which was very therapeutic. I figure as long as that is not a daily occurrence I am probably still okay. I did get up and shower at 3:30 so that I could get my oil changed and then go see my niece sing in her Christmas concert. They sang the funniest song about Fruitcake

	John Riggio - Everlasting Fruitcake SRK .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Then we had dinner and watched Charlie Brown's Christmas.

Today I had to take Guinness to the vet for his Bordatella booster and his flu shot. It made him cry which always makes me upset as well. I think that is enough stress for one day, so I am chilling out watching Friends on DVD. Not much point in doing much else right now.

I want to cry, dammit!

Why is it that when I feel so incredibly sad, I can't cry?

I need this release, but I can't cry. I think part of the problem is the few times I have cried, my dear husband freaked out and said I needed medication. Now I am afraid to just let it out....and I desperately need to just let it out. There are two things we need to discuss at our next therapy appointment-why can't he just let me cry and how can we get past the fact that he went to Bermuda and missed his only chance to see our child's heartbeat? We both struggle with that one. I am so angry that he freaked out the last time I cried that I want to make him feel just as bad by bringing that whole thing up again, which I know is totally wrong. But, I just want everyone to feel as bad as I do!

On top of all of this I met my next door neighbor for the first time today and she had talked to Jason previously and he told her we were expecting. He didn't tell her we had a miscarriage and he didn't tell me that he told her. I had a rough day already and then I was caught off guard by a total stranger and who the hell can cry in front of a total stranger? Then I told him about it and he didn't even apologize and told me to have a nice day. WTF?

I think I am going to go break something. Maybe that will get it out.