Exhaustion is not in moderation

So, I guess this pregnancy thing takes a lot out of a girl. I took a 30 minute nap yesterday afternoon and then I still fell asleep on the couch at 7:30. Of course I didn't sleep well because Jason came home and woke me up, then Chloe (our maine coon) was playing with my feet, then Guinness decided he needed to chew his leg, then Jason forgot to turn off the TV. I probably woke up every two hours for some reason or another.

I won't be going to bed early tonight because tonight is my volunteer night at Petsmart. I get to play with the kitties. I guess I have to tell my partner there about my pregnancy since I really shouldn't be cleaning litter boxes. It is so early and it makes me nervous to tell.

However, during my last pregnancy I gave up everything I enjoyed, most of which I didn't really have to give up. I just did it to be on the safe side. This time I'm going to eat sushi on occasion, drink a small glass of wine on special ocassions, eat lunch meat if I want it (which I rarely do), and I'm going to keep volunteering. You can disagree if you want to, but Jason and I have discussed it and we feel comfortable approaching this pregnancy with a true all things in moderation attitude. Except for sleep. That I'm going to try to grab a bunch of.

Worrying

I am back in the first trimester and now I am worrying over cramping and betas and whether I can make it to next week. I am so tired and sick all of the time and I worry on top of that. I yell at Jason all the time and I worry about that. I need a vacation.

Sick!

I have had a cold or the flu for a week. I am not sure which because I have a lot of congestion, sneezing, coughing, like a cold and very little aching-just a minor headache. But, I have a fever which is not a typical cold symptom. So, who knows. Now today I am nauseated on top of it.

I think I will stay in bed. When I feel better I will upload my pictures from Bermuda. I don't tend to take a lot of pictures, so I promise it won't be boring. Just a few highlights of those BEAUTIFUL islands. I want to move there. I suppose I should check it out in the summer to make sure it isn't painfully hot before I decide that. But it really is the most beautiful place I have ever been.

Snow, snow, snow!!!

What a crazy mess we have out there. Jason and I spent some time shoveling this morning, but there is still a lot to do. Guinness won't go more than two feet from the door to pee. He likes a couple of inches of snow, but thinks a couple of feet is excessive. Here is why:



































When I shoveled this morning I made the mistake of walking through a snow drift that was up to my hips. I almost got stuck and my legs did go numb with cold. Now, Jason has shoveled a path to the end of the driveway so at least we can walk into the street without getting too wet. I also have several layers on top and bottom, so I am heading back out again!



Even though Guinness has a coat and a sweater to keep him warm , I think I'll let him stay snuggled in bed.

Keep warm!!!

Ah, the guilt

Jason and I are trying for another baby this month. This has stirred up feelings about Ellen. I am thinking I should be five months pregnant with her now. I tried to talk to Jason about it, but it makes him feel bad. I went back and read all my message board posts from right after the miscarriage and I cried. I stayed in bed all day yesterday. I read The Deep End of the Ocean. I ate too much junk food. I had a brief relapse into my grief.

Today isn't a whole lot better except that I am not in bed and I haven't eaten any junk food. I need to exercise and clean the house and go to Petsmart to clean litter boxes. I just don't want to do anything right now.

I guess I am just sad again. I feel guilty for moving forward and feeling happy and excited about the possibility of another baby. I don't want to leave our first child behind. I know everyone else has forgotten her. Only Jason and I think of her and I am afraid we won't either if we have another.

So I am guilty.

This is shaping up to be a promising week

Positive One: I love my new doctor. She is very down to earth. I know she will not give me any bs in the future and will tell it like it is if God forbid anything bad were to happen with a future pregnancy. Also, she listened to me, answered my questions and seems to have the mentality that the patient takes the lead.

Positive Two: I have a meeting with my old boss tomorrow morning to discuss picking up some contract work. It won't be much money but it will give me something to do!!!

Positive Three: It snowed and it is pretty.

Positive Four: My dog is keeping me warm.

Yay for a great week!

Preconception appointment today

So, I should be finishing up our last cycle of waiting to try again sometime this week. I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon with a new obstetrician. I have lots of questions to ask and I am very nervous. In about two weeks we are going to start this roller coaster all over again. I'll be praying for a sticky baby this time around.